I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
