At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
