it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
