All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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