So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
