Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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