I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
