Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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