So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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