I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
