Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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