Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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