Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
