finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
