i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
