There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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