hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i came on her dog
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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