first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
