i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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