I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
