I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
