All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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