You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
