At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
