I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The air was thick with penises
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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