my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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