Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
