Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
