when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
