Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we're making bets on your personal life
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
