Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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