I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
