You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
