God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
porn star boner night. come get it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
