her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
