get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
