A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This is my gift to your gina
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
