i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize