I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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