if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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