shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
