My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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