I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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