dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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