Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
