i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
