So drunk its hurt
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
