you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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