I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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