You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
