i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
