When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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