And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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