I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
