I'm lost and stupid without you.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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