I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
